“Why Do Aunties Love to Compare Us? The Root of Judgment in South Asian Communities”

You’re at a family gathering. The chai is flowing, the snacks are out, and the aunties… well, they’re in full form.
“She’s studying medicine now, right?”
“That one got married last year — such a good match.”
“Oh, you’re still figuring things out? Hmm… don’t worry, beta.”

The comparisons are casual — even passive-aggressive — but they sting. And they stick.

For so many of us, these moments aren’t rare. They’re normal. But that’s the problem.
Because behind the polite smiles and sideways glances lies a culture of judgment that shapes how we see ourselves — and each other.

So let’s ask the question out loud:
Why do aunties love to compare us?

It’s Not Just About You — It’s Generational

Here’s what I’ve come to understand: most aunties don’t compare out of cruelty. They compare because they were compared too.

They grew up in a world where worth was measured in milestones — grades, marriage, kids, beauty, obedience. It wasn’t about who you were, it was about what you achieved — and whether those achievements made your family “look good.”

And so, generation after generation, comparison became a form of communication. Of connection. Of control.

But what it really did?
It created a community where judgment often felt louder than joy.

When Comparison Becomes Culture

The problem is, this judgment doesn’t stay in the auntie circle — it trickles down.
We start comparing ourselves before they even get the chance to.

⚠️ She’s doing better than me.
⚠️ I should be further along by now.
⚠️ My life doesn’t look like theirs — maybe I’m failing.

Before we know it, we’re living to be approved, not fulfilled. We’re performing instead of existing. And we start judging other women too — because that’s what we were taught.

But let’s be real: comparison is a distraction from healing.
It’s easier to judge someone else’s journey than to face the pain of not feeling enough in your own.

My Breaking Point (and Breakthrough)

There was a moment — after yet another “well-meaning” auntie asked why I wasn’t married yet — when I had to pause and ask myself:

Why does this bother me so much?

And the answer was layered.
Because I wasn’t okay with where I was in life.
Because I had internalized their voices as my own.
Because I was still chasing validation I didn’t even believe in.

That moment cracked something open:
I didn’t need to change my life to avoid judgment — I needed to stop giving judgment that much power.

Unlearning the Cycle

Healing from generational judgment doesn’t mean shutting out our elders — it means showing up differently.

🌸 It means setting boundaries with love.
🌸 It means recognizing projection for what it is — not a reflection of your worth.
🌸 It means choosing curiosity over comparison, compassion over critique.

And most of all? It means breaking the cycle.

Because someone has to — and it might as well be us.

We Are Not Each Other’s Benchmarks

Here’s what I know now: You’re allowed to exist outside of someone else’s measuring stick.
You don’t have to win at life to be worthy of love.
And another woman’s journey isn’t a threat — it’s a reminder that there are so many ways to live a beautiful life.

So, next time the aunties start comparing? Smile if you want. Redirect if you need to. But remember:

You are not here to impress. You are here to be — fully, freely, and in your own time.

And that? That’s something they never taught us… but we’re learning now.