“What Will People Say?”: The Role of Shame and Honor in Policing Women’s Emotions
In many South Asian households, decisions aren’t just about what’s right or wrong — they’re about what people will think. That five-word question, “What will people say?” isn’t just a phrase. It’s a rule. A threat. A leash. And when it comes to women, it’s one of the strongest tools used to control their emotions, behavior, and autonomy.
Because for South Asian women, it’s never just about how they feel — it’s about how their feelings reflect on their family’s izzat (honor).
Izzat Culture: Where Reputation Trumps Reality
The concept of izzat is deeply woven into South Asian cultures — from India and Pakistan to Bangladesh, Nepal, and even diaspora communities. It often translates to honor, dignity, or respect. In theory, it’s about upholding good character and family values. But in practice, it can become a code of silence — especially for women.
In many families, a woman’s behavior is viewed as the public face of the family’s morality. Her clothing, her tone, her relationships, her presence on social media — all of it is open for scrutiny. And the emotional toll of living under this invisible microscope? Immense.
So girls learn early: don’t speak too loudly, don’t laugh too freely, don’t cry in public, don’t question your elders, don’t show anger, don’t be “too much.” If you do? People will talk. And once they start talking, your worth in the eyes of your community begins to shrink.
Shame as a Weapon — Not Just a Feeling
Shame isn’t always screamed at you. Often, it’s whispered.
- “Log kya kahenge?” (What will people say?)
- “Thoda sabr karo.” (Have some patience.)
- “Acha nahi lagta, beta.” (It doesn’t look good.)
- “Girls from good families don’t do that.”
These phrases may seem harmless — even well-meaning — but they slowly teach women to distrust their emotions. To see anger as rudeness. To view sadness as weakness. To treat independence as rebellion. And that shame doesn’t just come from elders. It’s often policed horizontally — by aunties, cousins, even other women.
Over time, shame becomes internalized. You no longer need someone to tell you to stay quiet — you silence yourself.
The Emotional Trade-Off: Appear Perfect, Feel Hollow
Many South Asian women grow up mastering the art of appearing fine.
They become high achievers. Good wives. Dutiful daughters. Polished professionals. They dress the part. Smile when expected. Keep the peace. Fulfill every role.
But beneath the surface, there’s often:
- A disconnect from authentic feelings
- Guilt for wanting more
- Confusion about boundaries
- Deep resentment masked as loyalty
- Emotional exhaustion from being everything to everyone
This is the real price of izzat culture. Women are celebrated for being resilient — but only if that resilience is silent.
Not All Tradition Is Toxic — But Not All of It Is Sacred Either
To be clear: not all cultural values are harmful. Respect, community, and shared identity can be beautiful things. But when “honor” becomes a weapon used to suppress emotion, invalidate experience, or demand obedience — it crosses into emotional control.
It’s okay to love your culture and still question the parts that cause harm.
Breaking the Cycle: From Shame to Self-Honoring
1. Name the Voice
Start noticing when your choices are being shaped by fear of shame. Is this your truth — or someone else’s expectation?
2. Build Emotional Fluency
Practice expressing feelings without apology. “I feel hurt.” “I feel angry.” “I feel overwhelmed.” These are not weaknesses. They’re human.
3. Redefine What Honor Means
What if honor wasn’t about silencing yourself, but being true to yourself? What if your dignity lies in your authenticity, not your obedience?
4. Create Safe Spaces
Whether it’s therapy, friendships, or even online communities — healing requires environments where you are not judged for feeling.
5. Have Conversations at Home
Change begins in whispers. Share your emotional truth with family members who might listen. Be the generational bridge, even if it’s uncomfortable.
You Deserve a Life Bigger Than “Log Kya Kahenge”
“What will people say?” is not a moral compass — it’s a muzzle. One that has silenced too many women for too long.
But you get to choose differently. You get to say, “Let them talk.” You get to live a life rooted in truth, not reputation. You get to be seen not as a symbol of family honor — but as a full, feeling, flawed, and beautiful human being.
Your emotions are not dishonor. Your voice is not shameful. Your life is not a performance for others.