What My Mother Taught Me About Confidence—And What I Had to Unlearn
A personal reflection or reader-submitted story series about inherited beliefs and breaking generational patterns.
Note: This based on a reader submission story not my own story.
My mother, Neelam, was born in Fiji but raised by her strict Indian parents who believed in one thing: reputation above all. To her, confidence looked like perfection. A clean house. Perfect grades. A marriage before 25. A daughter who didn’t talk back.
Neelam taught me how to survive, not how to shine.
She meant well—every curfew, every critique, every reminder to “act like a lady” was her way of protecting me. But growing up in Auckland, in a Gen Z world, I started to realize:
the confidence she taught me was about control—not self-worth.
Here’s what I had to unlearn to truly love who I am.
1. “Don’t Be Too Loud”
If I laughed too hard or spoke too much at a dinner party, I’d get the look. Neelam would whisper, “Thoda araam se, beta. Log dekh rahe hain.”
Her confidence was quiet, polite, never messy.
What I unlearned: I’m allowed to take up space. My joy isn’t embarrassing—it’s magnetic.
2. Being “Put Together” Was Everything
Neelam never left the house without her hair done or her saree pinned just right. She used to say, “A girl should always look like she has her life together—even if she doesn’t.”
I carried that pressure for years.
What I unlearned: I don’t need to “perform” perfection to be respected. Vulnerability isn’t weakness—it’s connection.
3. Emotions Were Supposed to Be Private
When I cried, she’d hand me tissues before hugs. When I was anxious, she’d tell me to just go pray or think positive. There was love—but no space for breakdowns.
What I unlearned: Confidence includes softness. It’s brave to cry, to ask for help, to say “I’m not okay.”
4. Marriage Was the Measure of Worth
She never said it directly, but the silence was loud. Every wedding invitation came with a sigh and a “you’re next, hopefully.”
Love was a box to check—confidence meant being chosen.
What I unlearned: I don’t need a partner to be complete. My timeline isn’t late—it’s mine.
5. Respect Was Linked to Sacrifice
Neelam believed a good daughter listens. A better one stays silent. I was taught to keep the peace, not challenge the norms—even if they hurt.
What I unlearned: Confidence means setting boundaries, even with family. Especially with family.
6. We’re Rewriting Things—Together
It took time. Therapy. Space. Conversations we both avoided for years. But now, Neelam listens. She’s learning from me, just as I learned from her.
We still clash sometimes—but there’s love in the effort.
Affirmation: “I honour her journey by healing mine.”
Final Thoughts:
Not everything our mothers taught us was wrong. It was just built for a different world.
Neelam’s version of confidence helped her survive.
Mine is helping me live.
And maybe—just maybe—we can both be proud of that.