“Unlearning Internalized Judgment: How I Stopped Looking Down on Other Women to Feel Better About Myself”

Let’s get real for a second — have you ever mentally judged another woman just to feel a little better about yourself?

Maybe she was too loud, too quiet, too bold, too carefree. Maybe she dressed “too Western” or “too traditional.” Maybe she made choices you wouldn’t — and instead of curiosity, you felt… superiority.

I’ll say it: I’ve been there.

And it wasn’t because I was a bad person — it was because I was hurting. Because deep down, I thought if I could put another woman down even silently, I could convince myself that I was doing okay. But the truth? It never made me feel better. It just fed my insecurity.

Where That Judgment Really Comes From

Let’s not sugarcoat it — many of us were raised in cultures where judgment is practically served with chai.
We grew up hearing aunties gossip about who “let herself go,” who was “too modern,” who “should’ve settled down by now.” And before we even knew what we were doing, we internalized it.

So when we judged, we weren’t being mean — we were surviving by playing by the rules we were taught.
But at some point, I realized: those rules were never meant to protect us — they were meant to divide us.

When I Knew It Had to Change

There was a moment — a small one — that shifted everything.

I was scrolling online and saw a South Asian woman being unapologetically herself. Living loud, bold, messy, and joyful. And my first thought? “That’s too much.”

But then came the second thought — the real one:

“Or is she just free in ways I haven’t allowed myself to be?”

That hit hard.

It made me realize that my judgment was never about her. It was about my own shame, my own fear of being seen, my own longing to feel safe in my choices.

The Practice of Unlearning

Unlearning judgment isn’t a one-time thing. It’s a daily choice.
To catch those thoughts before they become words.
To question why something triggers us.
To replace the “Who does she think she is?” with “Wow, look at her go.”

And most importantly — to give yourself the grace you’ve been denying others.

Because you can’t uplift other women if you’re still tearing yourself apart inside.

What I Gained When I Let Go

When I stopped judging other women, I found so much more space for connection.
Real friendships. Genuine admiration. Peace.

I started to admire the women I once envied. I learned from them instead of resenting them. I allowed myself to grow in directions I once mocked out of fear.

And that’s the thing: when you heal the part of you that needed to look down on others, you rise higher — without the weight of superiority.

You Deserve Better Than Judgment — So Does She

So if you’ve been carrying silent judgment — for others or for yourself — know this:

You don’t have to keep carrying it.
You don’t have to shrink another woman to feel whole.
You can be kind. You can be free. You can be you — and let her be her.

We all deserve that kind of liberation.