“The Cost of Being ‘The Good Girl’: How Cultural Expectations Silence Emotions in South Asian Women”
Be a good girl.â
For many South Asian women, this phrase echoes through childhood like a lullaby â comforting on the surface, but haunting when you pause to reflect. Itâs not just advice; itâs a code of conduct. A loaded instruction manual for how to exist â or rather, how not to exist too loudly.
Behind this simple phrase lies a deeply rooted cultural narrative that glorifies self-sacrifice, emotional control, and quiet obedience. And while this ideal may bring societal approval, it often comes at a steep cost: the silencing of emotional truth and the erosion of personal identity.
What Does It Mean to Be a âGood Girlâ in South Asian Culture?
To be the “good girl” is to walk a tightrope of expectations.
Sheâs polite, never confrontational. She dresses âappropriately,â speaks softly, and rarely challenges authority. She puts others before herself. She makes sacrifices without complaint. She never expresses anger, frustration, or anything that might be seen as âtoo much.â
This ideal isn’t just perpetuated by elders â itâs reinforced in media, religion, schools, and even among peers. From Bollywood heroines to family gatherings, the messaging is clear: the highest form of womanhood is selfless, emotionally restrained, and agreeable.
But where does that leave her pain?
The Emotional Cost of Compliance
What happens when you teach an entire generation of women to suppress their emotions to maintain an image?
You raise women who feel isolated, confused, and ashamed of their natural human responses.
Many South Asian women report feeling immense pressure to be composed, no matter what theyâre going through. Whether it’s heartbreak, trauma, grief, or rage â theyâre often expected to “keep it together.” Vulnerability is seen as weakness. Therapy is taboo. Expressing dissatisfaction is labelled as ungratefulness.
This emotional suppression often leads to:
- Anxiety and depression
- Low self-esteem
- Difficulty setting boundaries
- Internalized guilt or shame
- A deep sense of invisibility
And perhaps most tragically, they often donât even realize that what theyâre feeling is valid â because no one ever told them it was.
Anger Is Not the Enemy
One of the most policed emotions in South Asian women is anger.
From a young age, girls are taught to fear their own anger. If they speak up, theyâre called disrespectful. If they cry out in frustration, theyâre overreacting. If they call out injustice, theyâre rebellious.
And yet â anger is not the enemy. It is a natural, even necessary emotional response to violation, pain, and injustice. Suppressing it doesnât make you more peaceful; it just buries that fire inside until it either implodes (as depression) or explodes (in burnout or breakdown).
Teaching women that their anger is dangerous only ensures that they internalize harm rather than challenge it.
Cultural Stigma Around Mental Health
In many South Asian households, mental health is still a deeply stigmatized topic. Thereâs a pervasive belief that if youâre struggling emotionally, itâs a sign of weakness â or worse, a failure in upbringing.
As a result, many women suffer in silence. They may never seek therapy or even confide in close friends. Their pain becomes private, masked by smiles and social obligations.
The phrase âlog kya kahenge?â (âwhat will people say?â) looms over every decision, acting as a muzzle on emotional truth.
The Role of Generational Trauma
Itâs important to acknowledge that these patterns didnât come from nowhere. Many of our mothers, grandmothers, and great-grandmothers survived through silence. In times and places where they had no real agency, emotional repression was a form of survival.
But survival is not the same as living. And just because something was necessary once doesnât mean it should be inherited blindly.
Generational trauma becomes a cycle when we fail to question it.
How Do We Break the Cycle?
Breaking out of the “good girl” mold isnât about rebellion â itâs about healing. Itâs about reclaiming the full spectrum of your humanity. Hereâs how we can start:
1. Normalize Emotional Expression
Crying isnât weakness. Anger isnât shameful. Sadness isnât something to hide. Emotions are data â they tell us when something matters, when something hurts, when something needs to change.
2. Create Safe Spaces
Whether it’s a family conversation, a therapy session, or a group of trusted friends, emotional safety is key. South Asian women need spaces where they can show up as their whole selves â not just the polished versions.
3. Challenge the âGood Girlâ Narrative
Start asking: who benefits from this ideal? Why do we celebrate silence over authenticity? Reframe what it means to be âgoodâ â maybe itâs not about being quiet, but about being true.
4. Seek Support
Therapy, mental health communities, and support groups for South Asian women are growing. Reach out. You are not alone in this journey.
You Are More Than a Label
Being the “good girl” may earn praise. But it can also rob you of your voice, your truth, and your emotional freedom.
You are allowed to be soft and strong. Quiet and bold. Emotional and composed. Complex and contradictory. You are allowed to be fully, unapologetically human.
You donât owe the world your silence. You owe yourself your healing.