“Looking Down to Feel Better: A Trauma Response Disguised as Pride?”
It’s a tough thing to admit — but have you ever caught yourself judging another woman, even just a little, just to feel a bit better about your own situation?
Maybe it sounded like, “At least I’m not like her,” or “She doesn’t have her life together like I do.”
It’s subtle. Often quiet. But it’s there.
And for many South Asian women, this isn’t about arrogance or true pride.
It’s survival.
It’s a trauma response dressed up as confidence.
It’s what we learned to do in a world that constantly measured our worth — and made us feel like we were never enough unless someone else was less.
Why It’s Not Really Confidence — It’s Protection
Judgment often masks pain.
When we grow up being constantly compared, criticized, and told to compete, we start looking for ways to protect our fragile self-worth.
Sometimes, the only way to feel good about ourselves is by putting someone else “below” us — even if just in our minds.
We aren’t trying to be mean. We’re trying to survive in a system that taught us that worth is limited… and we better grab ours before someone else does.
But here’s the truth:
Looking down on others never fills the emptiness.
It just distracts us from it.
The Deeper Wound Behind the Judgment
For many of us, these patterns come from unhealed wounds — from being judged ourselves, from unmet emotional needs, from childhoods where love felt conditional.
We were taught to perform, to win, to compare — and to silently compete with women who looked just like us.
So when someone seems “less,” we feel temporarily safe.
But when someone seems “more,” the fear rushes back in.
It’s not pride. It’s pain.
And when we can recognize that, we give ourselves the chance to heal — and to stop passing the judgment forward.
Shifting From Judgment to Curiosity
What if the next time you caught yourself judging another woman, you got curious instead of critical?
What if instead of thinking, “Why is she like that?”
you asked, “What might she be carrying that I don’t see?”
And most importantly:
“What’s coming up in me right now that needs care, not criticism?”
That shift doesn’t mean excusing toxic behavior — it means choosing compassion over projection.
It means making space for understanding, not competition.
You Deserve More Than a Life of Silent Rivalry
Real pride doesn’t come from putting others down.
It comes from knowing your worth deeply — and not needing to prove it at someone else’s expense.
The next time you feel that urge to judge, pause.
Check in with yourself.
Offer grace.
Because healing starts there — with the willingness to choose self-awareness over self-defense.
You’re allowed to feel messy. You’re allowed to struggle.
You’re allowed to unlearn the ways you’ve coped.
And you’re definitely allowed to rewrite the story that told you you had to win by making others lose.
There’s space for all of us here — not just to grow, but to grow together.